Hear me out: Guinea pigs are the worst pets

Excessive upkeep and arduous to like, the toothy little furballs don’t keep cute. 

I was such as you, as soon as. I had optimism. Freedom. Hope.

My home smelled regular. My garments had been tidy, and my grooming was fantastic. I didn’t stroll round Wellington not understanding I had straw caught to my tights, or a tiny turd clinging to my cardigan.

I might go a pet store with out getting in. I’d by no means purchase hay by the bale, carrots in bulk or vials of Ivermectin, in money, from individuals who knew folks. However now I do all of it, as a result of we’ve got guinea pigs. Guinea pigs are the worst.

Guinea pig homeowners aren’t regular. They’re screwy within the head. It’s not clear whether or not the guinea pigs screwed them or in the event that they had been screwy to start out with, which attracted them to the guinea pigs. Anyway, I do know somebody with a lifeless pet pig, George, within the freezer. She’s ready for his or her different pig Bryan to go, to allow them to be buried collectively. What’s worse, after I heard this, it appeared affordable. It is because I’ve now joined her membership.

Our daughter begged for months for a guinea pig. There wasn’t a heap I preferred in regards to the concept as we already had a cat. However the novelty appealed. In Karori most individuals have a poodle combine, so getting a pig felt bohemian. Nearly like getting a snake.

Each library e book and pet store vouched arduous for the sweetness of guinea pigs. They’re odourless! Good! We watched the Guinea Pig Olympics on YouTube, the place pigs shot via hoops and bounced over seesaws in a blur of pink claws, ginger fur and goofy overbites.

What lastly bought her over the road was her PowerPoint presentation to her father. He loves a enterprise case and so the subsequent afternoon dragged dwelling a hutch, a sack of pellets and a meals bowl for small mammals, formed like an upturned leaf. Cute! I turned the dish over and that piece of junk had price $24.

Subsequent, we visited a guinea pig sanctuary, whose rows of inmates eyeballed us as we selected. Seems these are sociable animals, and you want to get at the very least two of them. The pair should already be bonded or would possibly rip chunks off one another (wait, what?). In the meantime the custodian instructed us a number of of those pigs had been returned by homeowners who, sadly, might now not preserve them. Not asking “Why, precisely?” would be the remorse of my life.

We took dwelling two males: an enormous patchy one we known as Truffle and a bit black one, Pudding. They shot straight into their nesting bins and took two months to forgive us. They expressed their disdain via the medium of urine and lozenge-shaped excrement, and by consuming their excrement. I’m undecided my daughter is over the shock. By week two, the guinea pigs had develop into mine.

These pigs pee a lot, they soak 5 absorbent pet pads at a time. I fill half a bin-bag with mucky straw each second day. I clear, chop greens, examine them for lice. I present enrichment for his or her tiny brains (empty bathroom rolls and ping pong balls). I speak to them like they’re listening, however they’re simply ready for me to sod off. Guinea pigs are prey animals and see every part as a risk. I can perceive why, as a result of now I too wish to kill them.

The opposite day I bought excited as a result of Pudding tossed his nostril and uncovered his wobbly double-chin to me. It felt profound, like a human-to-animal breakthrough. However I regarded it up and he was simply asserting his dominance. The rat-faced little prick.

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