Andy Bollen on intersection of music, comedy and soccer

As a former drummer in a band and a daily contributor to lots of the Scottish comedy exhibits you’ll have watched or listened to through the years, it’s little shock that the creator is aware of all about timing. Time-management is one other idea altogether, nevertheless. Submitting-cabinet doorways fling open and index playing cards begin spitting forth from the drawers when Bollen speaks: the Irish comic Dave Allen, Father Ted, farts, No.10s, Arthur Montford, Kurt Cobain and Nirvana are all referenced in a dialog which has been primarily organised to advertise Bollen’s guide A Historical past of European Football in 100 Objects.

Within the house of a continuous hour, he pauses solely when he remembers to breathe – which isn’t fairly often. His is an infectious Glasgow bar-room storytelling model, one which interprets seamlessly to the written web page. In the event you haven’t learn Bollen’s books earlier than, the chances are high that you’ll have seen a few of his sketches on tv or heard a few of his jokes on the wi-fi. His writing profession started when an opportunity assembly with Rab C Nesbitt creator Iain Pattison, whereas he was at a band session in Airdrie, led to Bollen, 56, submitting a few of his work to BBC Scotland.

“I despatched three batches of stuff to Off The Ball and I hadn’t heard something again. The BBC at Queen Margaret Drive had a horrible inside put up and the producer Stephen Hollywood phoned me someday to say he’d simply bought my stuff about three weeks late. The subsequent week I had about 4 gags on the present and that was me, I used to be earning profits – £30 a pop and I used to be like ‘you magnificence’. I wrote for Off The Ball till about 2019 after they stopped doing comedy, Solely An Excuse kind of yearly after which I began writing books.”

A Historical past of European Soccer is his fifth of six. It’s an ideal Christmas stocking filler which chops up a number of the continent’s extra obscure tales into bite-size chunks. But when that description sounds as whether it is damning Bollen’s work with faint reward, it’s meant as something however. Bollen’s guide is a heat spring afternoon bouncing up the concourse on the San Siro or a steaming mug of gluhwein on a biting winter’s day within the Bundesliga.

Within the guide we’re speaking about and, equally, in his A Historical past of Scottish Soccer, Bollen situates himself because the curator of his personal museum into which he has positioned a lot of artefacts.

“Keep in mind Frank McAvennie bought achieved for cocaine and all that? He claimed he was happening a diving expedition after £50,000 was present in his boot in a holdall and he was going to search for treasure so I took a diving swimsuit as an merchandise and used it as a cipher to get into speaking about it. I’d use gadgets to develop concepts: the half-time pie is in there, the magic sponge, the headphones for footballers coming off the bus.

“[In the European book] There was this wee outdated supervisor from Ajax, Stefan Kovacs, who used to experience about on a motorbike, and he gained two European Cups again to again however he by no means will get any credit score for it. He was additionally behind organising Clairefontaine that [Kylian] Mbappe and [Thierry] Henry got here from. There’s a well-known film about Ajax the place Cryuff and all of the outdated Ajax stars present up of their sports activities automobiles and Kovac turns up on his outdated bike like one thing out of a Carry On film.

“There’s some actually heavy stuff in it, too. Alexandre Villaplane, the primary French captain. The merchandise for that could be a blindfold. He was shot for treason, took sides with the SS and have become a henchman, the wee man who bought shot who performed for Lazio. Technically, when writing the guide, my comedy background helped. It allowed a special strategy – particularly with the extra harrowing, extra severe tales.”

The ambitions of Scottish golf equipment in Europe might have lengthy since light this season however the guide additionally particulars a time when her golf equipment would usually bloody the noses of the continent’s elite.

The item for the topic entitled ‘Roma v Dundee United ref bung’ is a restaurant menu and refers back to the means by which the Italian membership’s administrators ensured they escaped a humiliating defeat over two legs by the hands of Jim McLean’s minnows within the European Cup semi-final of 1984. Two-nil up from the primary leg, United have been subsequently overhauled 3-0 within the second with the aim that sealed the victory coming from a smooth penalty. McLean and the United gamers lengthy suspected that one thing was afoot with French referee Michel Vautrot. It’s a feeling of unease that was later confirmed by the Roma president Riccardo Viola, son of the late Dino Viola (additionally a Roma president), in a tv interview a few years later.

Bollen quotes Viola as saying: “Spartaco Landini, the director of soccer at Genoa, got here to see my father [Dino]. He informed him Vautrot was a pal of his and that we might get at him through one other pal, however he must be given 100 million lire [£50,000]. He stated a dinner could be organised with the referee on the eve of the sport and a sign to indicate the deal had been achieved could be demanded. Throughout the dinner, a waiter went as much as the referee, saying, “Phone name for Mr Vautrot.” That was the pre-arranged sign. Vautrot left the desk and when he returned, stated, “My pal Paolo rang and he sends you his finest needs.” Then I bought up, rang my father and informed him, “Message obtained.”’ Why even try to cheat? Viola defined they wanted assist as a result of they have been already two down and never making the ultimate, held at their dwelling stadium, would have had severe monetary repercussions.”

Ask him which is his favorite story and he ponders his reply within the method of a vintner choosing a classic Bordeaux. “I fairly just like the darker ones,” he says.

A few of Bollen’s personal real-life tales are each bit as vibrant as these which he particulars in his 100 Objects collection – like how, as a budding younger musician he performed assist to an American grunge legend, a narrative that sounds as if it might have been dreamt up by Jay from The Inbetweeners.

“Earlier than I bought into comedy I used to be a drummer and I toured with Nirvana and Kurt Cobain – I sound like I’m making this up. My friends have been in The Vaselines [who wrote Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam] and I’d assist them out. I ended up enjoying drums on this band Captain America and that’s how we toured with Nirvana.

“I used to be about 24 or 25, I used to be from Airdrie and I didn’t need anybody to know that I used to be preserving a diary. I saved on hiding it. Kurt Cobain thought it was hilarious. By the point I bought to 2013, I had sufficient confidence to write down about it, I knew by then how you can assemble a sentence correctly.”

Since his guide on Nirvana, 4 others have adopted, whereas a sixth, on soccer’s No.10s (The No.10. Greater than a quantity: greater than a shirt), is out on March 27. He says he attracts on private expertise and a love affair with the sport that dates again to childhood for his inspiration.

“I bought into soccer once I was about six or seven. I bear in mind watching Johan Cruyff on the 1974 World Cup once I was eight. I performed soccer on a regular basis, performed within the faculty group. I bear in mind enjoying as soon as in opposition to this different major faculty, we have been from Airdrie they usually have been from Coatbridge; one of many guys taking them was a priest and he was smoking like a chimney and I bear in mind considering that is like one thing out of Dave Allen. Soccer is all the things. Drumming, music, comedy and soccer.”

A Historical past of European Soccer in 100 Objects: The Different Soccer Museum is printed by Pitch Publishing and priced at £9.99.