Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson focus on a letter about being an introvert in probably the most extroverted season of the 12 months.

Every week, Prudie discusses a difficult letter with a colleague or buddy, only for Slate Plus members. This week Jenée Desmond-Harris discusses her response to “Take Me Straight to January” along with her husband and fellow Slate staffer, Joel Anderson.

Expensive Prudence,

Properly, it’s the winter vacation season and I hate it. I’m Jewish and actually can’t stand the countless barrage of Christmas In America, beginning earlier than Halloween. I work at a big group and am in a management position, so I’m invited to the entire events, and which means about 10 events between now and December 30. I don’t wish to go! I’ve two causes: The primary is that I’m extremely introverted, and socializing with individuals who report back to me, and with individuals I don’t usually socialize with exterior of labor, fills me with dread. I simply freeze up in unstructured social conditions. Second, nobody will likely be masked. How might they be, when there will likely be meals and drinks? As somebody who’s totally vaccinated and has by no means had COVID, this example additionally fills me with dread. If I don’t go, nicely, they’ll know me to be the Scrooge that I’m. Lastly, our group has places of work unfold all around the metropolis, so it’s not like I can drop in for 10 minutes and go away; I’ll have skipped to get to all of them, and they’re going to realize it. What’s your recommendation? Thanks!

— Take Me Straight to January

Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.

Jenée Desmond-Harris: I selected this query for you for a few causes: 1) I really feel like, apart from not being Jewish, we are able to each kinda relate to this letter author. Introverted (or is it lazy??) and likewise nonetheless actually into not getting COVID, which might actually put an individual at odds with present expectations for socializing, and a couple of) I feel I missed a possibility in my response. LW stated “socializing with individuals who report back to me, and with individuals I don’t usually socialize with exterior of labor, fills me with dread. I simply freeze up in unstructured social conditions.” And that sounds somewhat past regular nerves and awkwardness. I’m wondering if I ought to have recommended working to deal with social nervousness or develop some coping expertise, as an alternative of pushing for avoidance. Anyway, reply to whichever a part of that you really want!

Joel Anderson: I feel the innocent white lie is precisely the proper strategy to wriggle freed from your social obligations. And hey, the CDC earlier this week really useful masks use due to rising circumstances across the nation. So your recommendation is the accountable factor to do: avoiding massive social gatherings proper now, notably these the place will probably be troublesome to maintain a masks on all through.

To the latter level, I’d be interested by their management place as a result of … doesn’t that usually require doing the kind of stuff that requires extroversion? How has the LW managed these obligations previously? How nicely do they know the people who find themselves their subordinates? That kind of factor. It’s not like they’re asking the LW to point out up someplace they wouldn’t know anybody.

Jenée: I do assume there’s a distinction between how I really feel (“I’d actually quite keep house and be cozy and scroll by means of social media however I do know I’ll in the end kinda get pleasure from myself and be glad I went to the occasion”) versus how the letter author feels (“I’m terrified! I’ll freeze up!”). In the event that they don’t go, I need them to not go as a result of they’ve made a alternative that it’s not the most effective factor for them (which, yeah, makes complete sense given the current steerage) and never as a result of they’re in a panic about speaking to individuals. Once more, I don’t understand how intense the nervousness is, and may require skilled assist. However one tremendous straightforward factor to make speaking to individuals in social conditions simpler is simply to ask them questions on themselves. (I assume this individual isn’t a journalist as a result of that is what all journalists use as a social crutch and once we get collectively it’s only a battle to see who can ask probably the most and most fascinating questions.)

Joel: Completely. I mainly interview individuals in social conditions, to maintain issues transferring alongside. The place are you from? What college did you go to? How’d you find yourself right here? That kind of factor. I’m not saying that it’s made me some form of social powerhouse, but it surely’s an efficient strategy to cross the time and has the added bonus of constructing individuals snug as a result of most everybody likes speaking about themselves, whether or not they admit it or not.

However let’s say these occasions actually fills the LW with dread, the type that makes going to events really feel like some form of torture. If they really really feel that means, they’ve an obligation to themselves and their psychological well being to remain house and never fret about it an excessive amount of but in addition see if this explicit nervousness requires remedy or counseling. If I needed to guess, I doubt very significantly that their colleagues will spend an excessive amount of time occupied with or commenting an excessive amount of on their absence. Like, simply say you’re not feeling nicely, keep house, and make a degree of apologizing for lacking the festivities and pretending to care about what occurred there at work the following day.

Jenée: Wait, because you’re patting your self on the again (deservedly, you’re superb at occasion chat), I simply have to speak concerning the one time you actually fell down on the job and simply began saying “Whoa! Wow!” and everybody was like “What?” and also you have been like “I simply can’t imagine [the thing we were all supposed to be celebrating, which was not actually surprising in any way]”

Joel: Ohhhhh, lol. Properly, I keep in mind this event and you understand how that goes: I blame everybody else, together with you, for not choosing up the slack. I used to be desperately attempting to fill the awkward silence, of which there was loads. What was I purported to do? I used to be attempting to assist!

Jenée: You probably did your greatest. Which is all anybody can do, and all this LW can do. And if this season, their greatest equals not being current for the events, I completely agree that everybody will recover from it.

Joel: Except the occasion is totally wack, they won’t and shouldn’t discover one individual—one in every of their managers, even!—not being there. Hey, may even be a aid to them if the LW doesn’t present up. (Sorry if that’s true and it makes them really feel dangerous!)

Jenée: I don’t assume it will!