College Well being Providers declares new COVID-19 ‘Ideas and Prayers’ coverage

The next content material is solely satirical and completely fictional.

In response to rising undergraduate COVID-19 instances on campus, College Well being Providers (UHS) has enacted a brand new coverage to extend assist for college kids who’ve examined optimistic for COVID-19.

“To college students who’ve just lately contracted COVID-19, we provide our sincerest commiserations,” UHS consultant Dr. John Dolittle stated. “We would like you to concentrate on a few of our new crucial sources accessible to college students in isolation, which incorporates, comprehensively, our Ideas and Prayers.”

Rona Cov ’24, a scholar who was just lately in isolation, advised The Each day PrintsAnything the brand new “Ideas and Prayers” coverage gives the much-needed assist that was absent from earlier insurance policies.

“After the College eliminated a few of their restrictive COVID-19 insurance policies, I used to be fearful about how COVID-19 would impression college students this semester,” Cov stated. “Nevertheless, now that I do know the College is praying for me, I lastly really feel like I’m getting the assistance I want. Who cares if I can’t depart my dorm to get meals or if I’ve to undergo by laggy Zoom requires lectures? I’ve Ideas and Prayers now!” 

Nevertheless, not all college students have given this plan their blessing.

“As great as this plan appears, it’s just a little superficial,” Runni Knowes ’26 stated. “Simply spitballing right here, however I believe what’s lacking from Princeton’s plan are every day conventions of COVID-positive college students to spice up morale.”

When requested whether or not President Biden’s recent proclamation concerning the tip to the COVID-19 pandemic influenced the “Ideas and Prayers” coverage, Dolittle defined that they had been unaware once they “slapped this all collectively.”

“College students of all non secular identities and practices have entry to the College’s Ideas and Prayers,” Dolittle famous.

Michelle Ho is a contributing Humor author and first-year potential Classics concentrator. She could be reached at michelle.ho@princeton.edu. 

George Tidmore is a contributing Humor author and first-year fascinated with finding out German and linguistics. He could be reached at gt3974@princeton.edu.